Sunday, 18 September 2011

Not my usual chirpy post - with hats

I don't usually write about personal stuff on my blog, and I'm not convinced that I'm going to start now, but I half think it might make me feel better.  I don't have much to show you, but I have got one or two photos which I thought I'd intersperse between my tale of woe! 


This is my progress so far on Mackintosh.  The magazine says it has a total stitching time of 12 hours.  12 hours my arse!  Maybe with a team of super-fast stitchers!  I've still got a long way to go and I've put in more than 12 hours already.


So, that tale of woe.  Well there isn't really one.  Nothing has happened, there's nothing wrong.  I'm just... down.  Blue.  Call it what you will.  I was fine on Friday but when I woke up on Saturday the world wasn't right.  For no reason.



The thing is, and I wasn't going to tell you this.  I struggled with myself about it but in the end I realised that it's not a secret with my "real life" friends, so why should it be a secret with my online friends who I may not have met, but I count some of you as real friends.  Also, there's a lot of stigma attached and a certain amount of shame, yet this is the 21st century, it's time we faced up to it.


So that thing.  7 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression.  Not because of some terrible event in my life - I've been very lucky, but because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. For years it was terrible.  I was on meds but they didn't do the trick.  Then last year I changed my meds to see if it would help with the migraines.  It didn't make a blind bit of difference to that, but it did help with the dreaded D word. 


 So most of the time I'm OK.  Happy even.  But sometimes, times like yesterday, I just want to crawl under a rock and die.  For no bloody reason.  I'm not ill, nor are my loved ones.  I have a wonderful family, gorgeous husband, my own house and car (even if it is a clapped out Focus, I love it), 4 lovely bunnies, a good job and tons of friends.  I have my crafting.  So now I feel guilty.  There are so many people out there suffering, really suffering, yet I feel like this.  For no bloody reason.


 Yesterday was a bad day.  I did nothing.  I didn't sew despite having a sewing list as long as my arm, which isn't very long as I'm a short-arse.  So as long as a normal person's arm.  And then I felt guilty about not sewing.  Today is a little better, though I still can't sew and I'm paralysed with a stupid fear I may never sew again. 


But I have been crocheting hats for the Big Knit.  30 so far, which might sound great, but it's only £7.50 for Age Concern UK.  Deadline is 14th October so I'm hoping I can add to this little gathering of tiny pom-pom hats. 

Thanks for reading.  Normal service will be resumed in my next post.

22 comments:

cauchy09 said...

the people they time stitching for those numbers are not really human...

sorry about the blues and your chronic situation. i know what its like. and after long periods of relative evenness, it's really shocking to feel the lows again. i hope you can climb out of this one swiftly.

Marilyn said...

Dont feel any shame Wendy. Its not like you have done anything to be feeling like you are. I think there would be a member of almost every family who have suffered depression for one reason or another. Its just one of those difficult things that happen.
Hey, those hats look cute, amazing, so colourful. And its not just about the money they bring, but the time and thought you put into doing them. So pat on the back for that!
Dont stress about no sewing - just relax and when the time is right and you are right things will even out for you.
Big hugs.xx

Laura said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm lucky in that the meds help - but I'm a bit scared about going off them... Not so lucky in life events but at least I'm having a holiday from the blues thanks to the magic of modern medicine. And sewing is good therapy!

elizabethdee said...

Depression is something I experience, too, and I'm fairly quiet about it even though I "know" there is nothing to be ashamed of. But look at you --- you got up and you posted a gutsy entry filled with pictures of things you made. And with your usual wit, as well. Good for you! Keep right on going.

Jillayne said...

Your hats are so cute! I love the colours and the pompoms are seriously fun...
Depression is no small thing, and not something you should feel guilty about. I learned at a young age to acknowledge everything I feel as being acceptable, and through that I have learned to ride out feelings of sadness. Somehow I seem to know that when I am done feeling sad I will be happy again - I know it sounds kind of silly but for me, it works.
I hope that you can believe at some level that it will ease and you will get back to all your crafting fun with a light heart, and until then, post about whatever you like - we'll all be here...

Contented Caroline said...

Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear that you have been feeling blue. I suffer too so you must not feel bad about sharing. You have done an amazing job with those hats - give yourself a pat on the back. Plus you made wonderful hearts for my appeal - another clap!!!

I know exactly how you feel when it comes out of the blue and knocks you for six and then you feel guilty about not having a reason specific for it.

I shall tell you that it is OK. You will get your groove back. The world loves you and will continue to love you even if you don't think it does. Sometimes a bath, a glass of wine, a lighted candle and classical music helps, indulge yourself - you're allowed.

Hope you feel better soon. You can always, always e-mail me when you are feeling blue and we can help each other to get back up. Blessings Cxxxx

Kandi said...

Honey, sorry you are feeling like this.
you should never be ashamed of it though like you say its a physical problem with the chemical imbalance. It's a shitty thing to live with, I hope you can stay near the surface for a while and you will pop back through into 'normal' life soon.
I've never suffered from this but my husband has and to the worst imaginable degree, I can understand a little of how you are feeling.
Keeping you in my thoughts
Hugs xxx

Sarah said...

So sorry to hear yesterday was a bad day. I know (a little bit) what its like to have a day when you want to stay in bed and cover your head after sailing along reasonably well for a long time - you have to deal with the stuff that comes with the surprise of it hitting you out of nowhere, as well as the feelings themselves. Hope you are feeling better soon. Your hats are fab though! And I find when I struggle with sewing, doing something that just catches your fancy rather than something off your list is a great way to get back moving again.

suzan almond said...

You certainly aren't alone with your big D problem - I suffer all those things you talked about - I even deny to the Dr that I'm depressed ! I think it's something to do with creativity and I'm terrified that the meds will 'dowse' me and then I won't be able to create things !!! The good days soon come again and they're even better then - just don't punish yourself !
Love those little mini-hats too !

Fiona said...

Oh Wendy, one of my kidlets suffers from depression and I know it is is so yuck... I wish there was something I could say to make it all go away... I only know it is not shameful, but very brave to acknowledge it is there... you can only deal with something you know.... and there should be absolutely no guilt about it either... just know you are thought about and cared for by many of us...
Hugz

Stitchin' time said...

Wendy, even those who don't have clinical depression have the 'blues' sometimes and want to be somewhere on their own and tell the world to 'nick-off'. I think you're pretty balanced to be able to tell people about it and accept the bad days with the good.
You're always trying a variety of crafts and blog about any items regardless of if you think they aren't 'perfect'!
I like your little pom pom hats :).
Hoping your chemicals make a long lasting "feel good" reaction soon.
Hugs,
Robyn

Tania said...

Sometimes, I reckon, you just have to let life wash over you. And then you have to be big time KIND to yourself. And look at you! In the middle of everything, you've been crocheting up a storm! x

Sandra :) said...

Awwwwwwww hon I'm sorry you're feeling bad - if I were there I'd give you big maple syrup hugs, then I'd tickle you until you squealed and had an accident :D This too shall pass!

Catherine said...

Thanks for sharing this with us....I hope your feeling a little better now or well on the way back to 'normal'.
Good on you for being honest here on your blog for surely that is what a blog is for and it is that honesty that connects us to other bloggers. Your little hats are adorable by the way!

mdgtjulie said...

Ah, Wendy. Let me first say cute hats. And then extend my condolences. I have depression issues as well (bipolar). Don't feel ashamed that you are depressed. It happens to the best of us sometimes. No rhyme nor reason. It just is. If you're having a bad couple of days, just remember it will get better. You're doing the right things. You're asking for support, you're fighting it, and you're taking your meds. These are all good things. It may feel like it's ridiculous, but it really isn't. You may have a good life, and on normal days, you can appreciate that. But this isn't a normal day. Try not to feel bad that you're having a bad day. EVERYONE has a bad day sometimes, even the most chipper upbeat person in the world. Give yourself permission to have a bad day or two, and tell yourself that on Monday (for example), you'll wake up and all will be right with the world again. For some reason, this really helps.

Allie said...

Sweetheart - depression is a chronic illness like arthritis, lupus, even cancer. It is just as devastating. People wrongly equate sadness with depression, they think you need a REASON for it. Don't, please, feel any shame about this, your suffering is very real.
I've suffered with it too, and I can tell you that once I went through menopause, it lifted. I'm allergic to anti-depressants, so they were never any help - but the change in my hormones was awesome! It rarely pops up now. I do know what you mean about waking up, and it seems like the world has tilted a bit - everything is OFF - a horrid feeling. But it will get better. Until it does, be very, very good to yourself - if all you want to do is lay around and watch tv, then do it with your whole heart, and feel no guilt - it's THERAPY. Same with anything else you do, make sure it's your choice.

Is someone paying you to sew? No? Me either. So I don't if I don't want to. NO GUILT, ok? You will sew again sweetheart, but don't you even start until you WANT to. Allie's orders.

Your tiny hats are beyond cute, is that a windowsill they're lined up on? They make a happy picture, with all the colors - I especially love the orange!

I'm sending you big hugs, dear Wendy, this too shall pass - may not feel like it now, but it will.

Sewandthecity said...

Thanks for sharing...once a month I feel terrible too, I never thought the work can look so dark...luckily it only lasts for a couple of days and than I am back to my usual self again...i hope that you feel better most of the time and I love the little hats you’ve been making!

Kari said...

I wish there was better treatment and less shame with depression. So sorry you have it. I have struggled with it as well. Not sure if you are into books about it, but Feeling Good and the companion workbook helped me. You will heal again! Some of the most brilliant folks have had depression.

JLR22 said...

You are very courageous about writing about depression. I feel those people who have battled it are some of the bravest people I know - incredibly strong people for having tried anti depressant after anti depressant. All in the face of people telling them to cheer up, that they've felt "blue" too. You have to fully experience clinical depression to understand how devastating it is.

Farm Girl said...

Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering at the moment. Absolutely no shame in it though, and I hope you feel a lot better for sharing it too. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that! Love that you've crocheted your way through, the itch to sew will return when you're ready for it I'm sure. Take care, thinking of you, Nicky

Cass said...

The stigma surrounding any type of mental illness is a serious pain the butt. I had postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter. In theory I am 'fixed' now and off the meds (that truly did give me my life back). In practice I have days like the one you described. Bad sad feelings, no reasons. Doubting myself, doubting everything.
Big cheers for you for talking about it. I think the more we discuss depression the more it will be accepted. At least I hope that's the case.
Sending you big hugs and buckets of happy.

Hannah said...

Dear Wendy,
The reason you feel awful is because you really are ill - I know a lot of people don't understand that but it's still true. Your brain's hurting instead of your leg, but it's the same principle, and just as painful. Please don't torment yourself feeling guilty on top of it! You can't think yourself out of it any more than you could think yourself out of feeling awful due to a case of malaria. I wish we had more effective medicines for depression, and I hope you check in with the doc every now and then to see if they've made any advances in treatment that could help.